At the beginning of all things, there was the Master, a hideous planet-sized creature floating in an endless void. And it was a boring void, so he created everything ever just to amuse himself. And as life spread through this void, The Master found the best way to amuse himself with his new toys was to make them fight each other, so he created WAR. And he saw that it was good, so he created The Scumdogs of the Universe as the ultimate executors of his favorite activity.
For thousands of eons my Scumdog brothers and myself heaped endless atrocities upon a deserving galaxy. Planet after planet, race after race blazed to ruin on our flaming altar of sacrifice. Our enemies were many, from the peaceful folk of Flab-Quarve 7, to the sinister legions of robotic holy-warrior Cardinal Sin, and the wars we waged were never-ending. Led by The Master’s most loyal servant, the cyborg Techno-Destructo, the Scumdogs had become the most powerful force in the universe. So great that we dared to rise up in rebellion against our creator and fulfill our dream of destroying everything. The ensuing battle was beyond epic, as The Master deployed his newest and most powerful weapon, The Death Pod, and turned it against us. Ultimately we were defeated, and Techno loaded GWAR into the dreaded Butt-Cannon and shot us to the most insignificant, isolated mud ball of a planet in the entire ga laxy—the planet Earth!
There we busily set about fucking everything up on our new home. The first thing we did was have sex with the local animal population, thereby creating the human race. These loathsome creatures spread across the surface of the planet faster than the herpes on Lohan’s twat! We used to delight in the destruction of their civilizations—like the time Beefcake sank Atlantis by using it as his personal vomitorium, or Flattus de-foliated the Fertile Crescent with his chronic flatulence! But soon all of this barbarous activity had attracted the attention of The Master, who sent Techno-Destructo to check on his wayward creation. Enraged that we had created humans (the most annoying of races), The Master froze us in a great tomb in the barren waste of Antarctica, to sleep in its icy vastness until such times as he called us back into his horrific service!
Millions of years passed, but GWAR still imposed their will on humanity…reaching into their dreams and inspiring them to heap atrocities upon each other and pollute and ravage their own world with disease and war. And it was the pollution of heavy metal that ultimately led to GWAR’s release! Because of the brief dominance of hair-metal bands in the late 80’s, and their overuse of hair spray, a huge hole was burned into the ozone above the GWAR temple, and the member’s of GWAR began to de-thaw. At that precise moment, music mogul and notorious underworld boss Sleazy P. Martini was on the run from the I.R.S., shot down over Antarctica and crashing into the frozen tundra in front of the GWAR Temple! Stumbling inside, he discovered the ageless warriors stirring within their tombs. Seizing the moment and in short order Sleazy quickly got us addicted to crack (the only thing that saved his life), brought us back to the U.S.A., gave us electric guitars, and exposed the world to the sickest band in metal history—GWAR !
Since GWAR’s re-birth on planet Earth, events have come at a tumultuous pace. GWAR has witnessed, inspired, and is indeed directly responsible for many of the most destructive events in Earth’s recent past. It is no coincidence that since the second coming of GWAR, this world’s has slipped ever closer to the apocalypse it so woefully deserves. Indeed, if GWAR had’nt had to expend so much energy battling their cosmic foes, we would have surely eaten the entire human race by now! We have withstood the onslaughts of Techno-Destructo, and his twin brother, Bozo-Destructo, after they were done fighting each other! We braved the wrath of Granbo and the Morality Squad, who attempted to confiscate my penis. We fought the hideous SkulHedFace in an attempt to summon the World-Maggot and ride it back to outer space. Unfortunately it left without us, though to this day we hope there are two World Maggots! We even repelled an assault by the Master himself who attempted to return us to his cosmic servitude. Most recently we saw GWAR storming the gates of hell itself and claiming that realm as our own! And all the while we continued to ravage the planet, conducting our great “death-rallies”, luring the humans in with the music of metal, and then slaughtering them en masse. CD’s, DVD’s, and burnt-out cities continue to be produced in infinite procession, tracking the continuing progression of one of the most legendary bands in rock and roll history—the mighty GWAR!