It was 8:30 in the morning. I did a wake and bake, drank some coffee and a glass of water and put on I, Frankenstein. As a way to start an overcast day, it was pretty metal. Granted, this work of high cinema is about as close to Citizen Kane as my balls are to the pale and nimble fingers of the (sadly fictional) Nocturna right now, but it was nonetheless an entertaining film. There are cheezeballdemon vampires, crazy gargoyles and special effects (emphasis on special) hanging out in around Underworld sequels budget territory, I’d gather. I know this was a rather heckled film but personally, I fuckin love Frankenstein. Several girlfriends ago I used to drink really dirty martinis alone in bed and watch Van Helsing on repeat, so this was not too much of a “slumming” situation forme. Anyway, the opening of the “film” showed Frank and Dr. Frank in a rather icy territory as the narrator Aaron Eckhart solemnly intones ,”I was cast into being in the winter of 1795.”
Click HERE for more. Will it be “Dirty Black Summer” ala Danzig that wins or did Game Of Thrones make Winter the most metal forever? Are snowy wastelands played out and for poseurs ? Isn’t Winterfylleth one of the best bands out there?
I, Frankenstein‘s opening scene got me thinking two things. One, is Winter still the most heavy metal of seasons? Two, why does Frankenstein in Penny Dreadful as well as I, Frankenstein have long hair (at least in the start of I, Frank)? I feel bad cuz the guy on Penny Dreadful does a good job as part of an ensemble cast on a terrific horror show (Tim Dalton and Eva Green in particular kick ass), but the Frankenstein character on PD is written as so emo that even a good actor would still be depicting something annoying. I have to say for the record that while I am man enough to admit to enjoying the song Blink-182 did with Robert Smith, I think seeing Frankenstein portrayed as a kind of pudgy older looking crybaby type is not the mean, green fighting machine with a flat top and neck bolts who gets my pulse racing!!!! But why hasn’t any metal band done a really good cover of”The Hanging Garden”? God! Once again AFI have better taste than most metal bands!
Metal and Winter have a long partnership. Winter the band are certainly bleak and serious. Stryper’s cover of “Winter Wonderland ” was…intense (and I am man enough to admit I love Stryper , with no irony).
But holidays aren’t what I am talking about. King Diamond’s “No Presents For Christmas” would win this debate hands down as the only credible metal song to mention Tom and Jerry while also representing a season AND a festive event full of disappointment. Plus, it’s kind of even blasphemous…but no, I am going to focus on the season itself.
Winter is first and foremost cold, or is supposed to be, global warming notwithstanding. Mr. Freeze as portrayed by Ahhnuld is clearly the best Batman villain of all time. Darkthrone’s A Blaze In The Northen Sky doesn’t make me think of picnics in the late spring and gettin’ twitterpated with Bambi and friends (which is pretty metal, if you really think about it). I’m so confused now.
But Frozen…Frozen is like this kid mind control that is everywhere. The evil of that is profound but it’s so annoying (even if I kind of like the so 2014 it hurts “Let It Go” Betraying The Martyrs cover, sheepishly as fuck).
But in other ways the love and all encompassing embrace metal heads have for winter is kind of limiting, which makes my inner sense of independence bristle. Are you down to be icy Satan’s snow bitch? I guess it all depends on what metal path you walk.”Summer Nights” is by far the best Van Hagar song. It flat out rules.
So…I guess I’m gonna go with Summer being the most metal. Cuz honestly I’m pretty cold. The house is drafty and cuz…fuck you. Pass the sun tan lotion, imaginary lifeguards. Yes, Frakenstein…you’re tropical flower print swim trunks do look pretty stylin’. Why the fuck don’t I live in California again? (*that last line is for my friend Dave Daw).
“We made it through the cold
And that freezin’ snow is gettin’ old, hey
Next year I’ll head out for the coast
Whaddya say boys, that might just call for a toast, now whaddya say?” – Van Hagar