Search Results for "Funny"

Is Winter still the most metal season?

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Tuesday, January 6, 2015 at 6:38 AM (PST)


It was 8:30 in the morning. I did a wake and bake, drank some coffee and a glass of water and put on I, Frankenstein. As a way to start an overcast day, it was pretty metal. Granted, this work of high cinema is about as close to Citizen Kane as my balls are to the pale and nimble fingers of the (sadly fictional) Nocturna right now, but it was nonetheless an entertaining film. There are cheezeballdemon vampires, crazy gargoyles and special effects (emphasis on special) hanging out in around Underworld sequels budget territory, I’d gather. I know this was a rather heckled film but personally, I fuckin love Frankenstein. Several girlfriends ago I used to drink really dirty martinis alone in bed and watch Van Helsing on repeat, so this was not too much of a “slumming” situation forme. Anyway, the opening of the “film” showed Frank and Dr. Frank in a rather icy territory as the narrator Aaron Eckhart solemnly intones ,”I was cast into being in the winter of 1795.”

Click HERE for more. Will it be “Dirty Black Summer” ala Danzig that wins or did Game Of Thrones make Winter the most metal forever? Are snowy wastelands played out and for poseurs ? Isn’t Winterfylleth one of the best bands out there?

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Stop the hate: #metalgate (we’re on a love train, love train)

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Tuesday, December 16, 2014 at 9:45 AM (PST)


Hey best buddies out there in metal land. Seems to be a lot more vitriol this week in our fair kingdom of virginal metal ears. A lot has been made about #metalgate and Phil’s exit from Cobalt (check the metal sucks link cuz it has an in-depth recap, but long story short he has been making very homophobic statements and got booted from the band by Erik). Metal is supposed to be about freedom of speech. I get that, but when you tell bands they are like “faggots fucking in a rest stop bathroom” , you have to expect some push back from  the intelligentsia.

I’m bi and I’ve been in bands 20 fucking years. Interviewed hundreds of bands. Of ALL backgrounds including people who were GOP or right wing, and I gave them a fair shake anyway even if I disagreed. I still listened to Alice Cooper even when he was golfing it up with Bush. Phil from Cobalt is really talented and it is sad to see he has so much anger/bigotry stopping him from connecting with other artists and fans (though maybe it isn’t, because there has always been an extreme amount of hate in this world and the only extreme thing about that is how over the top and endless it has been through history). Phil served and probably did it for what he felt were patriotic reasons even though I don’t support the military industrial complex because hate follows hate follows grabs for real estate at the expense of many lives. Not that real threats to American lives don’t matter but this world is a cesspool of intolerance and violence no matter what country you come from.

And isn’t this  country supposed to be about inclusion? Didn’t we fight nazis in WW2? Im confused but I think I’m gonna go listen to Cretin and then sample some people making love in a public bathroom now because that is actually a cool idea for an industrial song.

Human Cray: CIA agent Scott Stapp vs. Obama

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Friday, December 12, 2014 at 12:03 PM (PST)


Scott Stapp is kind of crazy, folks. Not just Jesus crazy anymore but REALLY having a hard day at the “I have no” office, crazy. Apparently he thinks he is in the CIA and has to kill Obama. Or it is a troll to get press (and it is working).








Yep, just when he was homeless and on drugs and stuff, now a buncha people will surely donate to Scott and his ‘with ahhhmmms wide opuhhhhnnn’ fundraising attempts. Scott doesn’t have Obamacare, so it is rough out there for the religiously hypocritical and bi-polar types.

As someone who has been crazy, broke and on drugs (but not as crazy as this dude) , i feel for another human being. but this is pretty entertaining. Scott has raised the bar (no pun intended) from when he was just trying to fist fight members of 311. I respect entertainers who think they are in the CIA, though. I mean, DMX was in the FBI, right? And Rogen is gonna save us from North Korea. The gong show guy was a spy, right? ‪#‎humancray‬


Scumdog Millionaire: Inspirational quotes from Sleazy P. Martini

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Wednesday, December 10, 2014 at 8:31 AM (PST)


Much like Rodney Dangerfield, the managers working tirelessly in entertainment get no respect. People are always whining about DIY being better and how management people are rip offs and con artists, but they miss out on the expertise a lifetime spent delivering the best in entertainment can offer. Only Gwar‘s Sleazy P. Martini has so tirelessly worked with the interests of his clients Gwar so earnestly in mind, with such benevolent…wait a minute, this crack is getting to me…Sleazy doesn’t give a shit about anybody…but, yeah…here are some mid week slingers from the best manager in the biz to zing up your work week.

Click HERE to be covered in wisdom (and for maybe the best political speech of all time).

By the way the credit for the name of this piece goes to Matt Goldpaugh from Lara Hope & The Ark-Tones (who has dressed as Beefcake for Halloween before, I recall).

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Happy Bday Ozzy

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Wednesday, December 3, 2014 at 9:32 AM (PST)


The one thing to make the time of year that Dimebag and John Lennon were shot better, besides the birth of Christ and subsequent holiday season, is that Dec. 3rd is Ozzy‘s birthday. Happy 66 Sir Lord Ozzy and thanks forever for “Bark At The Moon”, “Iron Man” and “Never Say Die.” Rock n roll forever!

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Slayer tells fan “Don’t sell your car”

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Thursday, October 30, 2014 at 1:36 PM (PST)


Slayer fan Jake put his 1997 Ford Escort up for sale to buy tickets to see the band when they play Los Angeles on November 14 at The Forum. You don’t have to sell the car, Jake…..Slayer saw your cool video….and here’s their message to you HERE.

And everyone else… Click HERE for tour dates w/ Exodus and Suicidal!

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Cannibal Corpse discuss Russian tour repression

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Wednesday, October 15, 2014 at 12:49 PM (PST)


Cannibal Corpse addresses Russian tour issues below. You will want to read this as it is ridiculous and only boosts ticket sales in other parts of the world, metal comrades.

Cannibal Corpse recently completed their tour of Russia, a place they have played previously played many times with no issues. Unfortunately, as many Russian fans are already aware, this tour did not go as planned. Cannibal Corpse has released a statement, which can be read below.

A message to our Russian fans:
As you all are certainly aware by now, our concerts in Ufa, Moscow, and St. Petersburg were cancelled. We were present in these cities and ready to perform each of these shows but were not permitted to. In Ufa the power was turned off shortly before the show (we were told because the venue was late on rent), and in Moscow and St. Petersburg we were told that we did not have the correct visas and that if we attempted to perform the concert would be stopped by police and we would be detained and deported (prior to the tour we had been told that we did have the correct visas and that all of our paperwork was in order).

Our show in Nizhny Novgorod also had problems. In that city we performed half of our set before being stopped by police. We were told the police needed to search the venue for drugs and that the show had to be terminated.

These are the reasons for the cancellations as far as we have been told.

On the brighter side, we had a fantastic time performing in Krasnodar, Samara, Chelyabinsk, and Yekaterinburg. We were able to play our full set in all four of those cities.

We came to Russia excited and prepared to play all of the scheduled concerts, and we apologize that we were not able to do so. It was beyond our control. We are extremely disappointed. We have played in Russia many times and we love our Russian fans. Hopefully someday the situation for us in Russia will be different and we will be able to return.

Photos: police raid photo from Nizhny Novgorod, paddy wagon in St. Petersburg

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Quintron makes drone metal approved weather controlled monster synth

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Thursday, October 2, 2014 at 10:24 AM (PST)


WEATHER FOR THE BLIND DOT ORG is a 24/7 live streaming site of a new instrument which uses sun, wind, rain, and temperature to control a monster analog synth designed by Quintronics in New Orleans, LA. and at the Robert Rauschenberg Foundation in Florida.

The site also links to the band version of this project – WEATHER WARLOCK – a heavy drone ritual which only happens at sunrise or sunset involving zero to nine members performing sets which may last from 30 minutes to one year long.

Maybe that is like the Slipknot collegiate Skull & Bones camp for aspiring forecasters. This appeals to the romantic in me, that inventiveness can still create a cool musical concept and be functional in other mediums like science and psychology. Sunn O))) types who crave a weirder trip should get on board and maybe even surf.


There are about a million reasons why the new cover art from Crucifixion BR‘s pending Destroying The Fucking Disciples Of Christ is all win (and pure sin). I’m gonna go with the man tits on that Baphomet though. And the stud and B-grade porn factor of some of the seraphim. This just made my day. On top of it, the release will be on the awesome Horror Pain Gore Death Productions and the band rules! Out Oct 7th, below is the official description from the label:

Horror Pain Gore Death Productions welcomes Brazil’s blasphemous Black Metal bulldozers Crucifixion BR to the roster with their debut album “Destroying The Fucking Disciples Of Christ”. Formed in 1996 in the Rio Grande by Lord Grave War an DarkMoon, Crucifixion BR finally unleash this beast of brutality, a release full of pure hatred, raw energy and intense aggression. With the aim of creating original, diabolic Black Metal, a heavy influence of 80’s Thrash Metal and Death Metal are thrown into the mix further expanding Hell’s horizons, and also re-animating the Brazilian scene. With the combination of powerful riffs and brutal blasts by a talented female drummer, the result is the sheer essence of evil! “Destroying The Fucking Disciples Of Christ” was mixed and mastered at Hurricane Studio, a renowned studio southern Brazil… follow Crucifixion BR’s path into the Obscure Arts! For fans of Astarte, Bathory, Behemoth, Celtic Frost, Dark Funeral, Deicide, Emperor, Hellhammer, Krisiun, Mayhem, Morbid Angel, Sepultura and Venom

Click HERE to check out the angel ass ripping title track. And how could you not, really?

Weedeater “…And Justice For Y’all” finally on vinyl

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Tuesday, September 2, 2014 at 8:18 PM (PST)

PromoImage Word to your fuckin’ mom, came to drop bombs…er, bongs?

Cape Fear’s own WEEDEATER are like no other heavy band. With a style and presence that is unfiltered, unrefined, and unruly, the notorious North Carolina trio have burned through the heavy rock underground for over fifteen years. Now, WEEDEATER and Season of Mist bring you ‘…And Justice For Y’All’, a reissue of their classic first album on cd and  – for the very first time – on vinyl.

WEEDEATER …And Justice for Y’all Release date: North America September 2, 2014

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Really funny Enslaved meme

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Friday, June 27, 2014 at 12:04 PM (PST)


Enslaved fans’ #metalheadproblems

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As The Penises Burn: Poor Randy Blythe

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Tuesday, June 17, 2014 at 10:38 AM (PST)

Randy Blythe

I don’t think Lamb of God are gonna make a documentary about this one. This reminds me of when that fat chic sued McDonald’s for spilling coffee that melted her clitoris, but that may be an urban legend. Maybe Randy saw the One Direction/LoG video MetalSucks posted.

Via Randy Blythe’s Instagram:

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST IS OF A GRAPHIC PERSONAL NATURE & CONTAINS A TALE OF ABJECT MISERY. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I’M POSTING THIS. I MUST BE HIGH FROM PAIN STILL. There are moments of extreme physical pain in some of our lives that we will never, ever, forget. Tonight I had one of those moments (this picture I took of my friends Jimmy & Mike of EYEHATEGOD has NOTHING to do with this story, but I needed a photo & they do have a record called “Take As Needed For Pain”). The sun was setting & it was beautiful evening as I road along the coast to the grocery store, still in my surf trunks & sipping on a fresh mug of boiling hot black coffee. I was listening to some mellow piano music & making a right turn when I made the tragic mistake placing the mug between my barely covered legs. As I turned my truck, happily humming along to the mellow piano music on my stereo, suddenly there was a searing white hot explosion of agony in my crotch. The lid of my mug had come loose, and liquid caffeinated FIRE had covered my, well…it had covered my penis. I briefly lost control of my truck, swerving into the lane of oncoming traffic, barely missing another truck, before quickly pulling into a nearby parking lot to try & make some sense of this atrocity I had committed against myself. I felt like I was going to throw up for a good minute or two, then I regained control & started returning home to do what I knew what I had to do. I had to put him on ice. I do not normally talk to my penis, he does not have a nickname or anything like that, but if there ever was a time for encouraging words to my lifelong companion, it was now. The words I said out loud to him as I painfully drove us slowly home went along these lines: OH GOD, DUDE. OH MY GOD, THAT HURT LIKE HOLY FUCK. HANG IN THERE DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE. WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT. DON’T GIVE UP HOPE. OH MY GOD, DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE, BRO. I must have looked like a crazy man. When I hit home, he went in a glass of ice water for a bit. He will recover, I have faith. Go ahead & laugh- everyone else I’ve told did, including my wife. This day is now a wash. Goodnight.


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Baby, quit your cryin’…

Much has been said about the cause of death of the top Scumdog due to a heroin overdose in recent hours, but let’s face it…the obvious truth is Oderus thought it’d be a miracle if he made it to 50. And he did. Then what?

GWAR is eternal!

Well the wheels keep rolling
And another signpost gone
Baby can’t you hear me calling
Like a sad whale song [X2]
Sad whale baby

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Rap/Rock Science Superstar Stoner Shark Week

Posted by Morgan Ywain Evans on Thursday, April 24, 2014 at 8:33 PM (PST)


Yo, so I cracked the code and devised the ultimate stoner rap rock superstar team up. I was watching Cosmos and , well, stoners have mad love for Neil Degrasse Tyson. Cypress Hill have also been approved by Dr. Green Thumb for their enthusiastic use of all seed bearing plants and herbs, as God informed us was right. Imagine…B-Real could do his thing. Sen does his gruff response “yeah” or his own verse and then  it goes to a trippy instrumental beat part and Neil does his narrative thing about photosynthesis. Yo, and then…just to make it as cool as Electric Wizard, throw in Shark Dog from Eek the Cat. Remember that little dude?

I think this would be the best. Sharky alone would make up for not a lot of super death guitars, but Cypress never needed to get that heavy anyway, poontah!

Get on the phones and help me out with this, people. 1-800-713-GROW

Best accidental use of the Lamb of God logo ever

Posted by SeanB on Tuesday, April 22, 2014 at 6:18 PM (PST)

LambofGod_logoWell now, this is pretty great.  It appears that the town of Salem, VA “accidentally” used the official Lamb of God logo to promote an Easter play appropriately titled, Lamb of God.  The town apparently does a play every year and that just happened to be the title this time around.

To check out a picture of the tickets and an official statement from the town click right here.  One has to wonder if whoever was in charge of promotions just Googled the name and used the coolest graphic they saw, or if they are just awesome and have a first class sense of humor?

Unless you’ve been living under a rock you probably know that Lamb of God’s lead singer Randy Blythe was recently acquitted of murder in the Czech Republic.   The band’s last album was titled Resolution and released by Epic Records.

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